Stephen honors the heroes who toil to plump our sunken cheeks, hoist our drooping buttocks and thread serrated plastic sutures through the fatty layers beneath our necks. (1:31)
Thanks to Scottish surgeons, the only way America can protect its ports is by crossbreeding dolphins with Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff. (5:24)
Officials have to make Saddam Hussein's trial more dynamic because he is the only character from the original war and the sequel that America still cares about. (4:15)
Viewers alert Stephen to the fact that Killer is on a commando mission to rescue Stephen Jr. and couldn't possibly have been on the previous night's show. (2:08)
Stephen thinks he had something to do with the election of new French President Nicolas Sarkozy since he doesn't pronounce the "T" in his last name. (2:07)