After finding out that China beats the U.S. in the number of jailed journalists, Stephen throws a few more in the grey bar hotel to get up to number one. (2:39)
Nitro Girl is the most patriotic giant American woman since the Statue of Liberty -- and she does it all without inviting immigrants to invade our country. (4:29)
The New York Times announces they're reducing the width of their newspaper by an inch and a half -- that's an inch and a half less of state secrets revealed everyday. (1:40)
America needs to get back in the game of overpopulation by instituting a one-child minimum policy and letting teens spread sex misinformation to their peers. (04:51)
Rainbow covered bridges paved with babies' dreams has nothing on moths that drink the tears of sleeping magpies. That's the most poetic f**king thing Stephen has ever heard. (1:37)