New York City Schools Chancellor Joel Klein is willing to pay kids for good grades while Stephen is willing to pay kids to smoke and play video games. (5:05)
Stephen's adopted turtle, Stephanie Colbertle, is leading the Great Turtle Race, while two other lady turtles hang back at the nesting grounds, listening to Melissa Etheridge. (2:09)
Environmentalists target soft toilet paper, Kang Lee exposes the lies parents tell kids, and mountain pine beetles prevent us from shooting bears. (07:14)
Based on the Southern Republican Leadership Conference straw poll, The Colbert Report predicts that Bill Frist will win the presidential election in 2008. (2:08)
Every presidential election year, California's 55 electoral college votes go to the Democratic candidate just because more people voted for him. (2:54)