Herman Cain understands domestic issues because he has experience selling pizza, and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian. (04:14)

Tags:  Herman Cain,  international affairs,  China,  Great Wall,  nuclear,  WMDs,  scandals,  lawsuits,  business,  food,  restaurants,  history,  books,  60s,  Vietnam War,  Nooo!,  birthdays,  audience interaction,  kids,  sex,  education,  crying,  sexual advances,  parenting

With America's helium supply dwindling, the country has no choice but to hunt balloons in the wild. (03:10)

Tags:  science,  shortages,  balloons,  flying,  animals,  drugs,  health,  Nooo!,  Jimmy,  balls,  poop & pee,  family,  kids,  apologies,  documentaries,  Doris Kearns Goodwin,  the heroes,  vacations,  elitism,  South Park

Stephen wants to give Pakistan an ultimatum to stop supporting terror or lose American aid, but Stephen doesn't think Stephen should choose his friends for him. (04:59)

Tags:  Formidable Opponent,  Pakistan,  intelligence,  ululations,  money,  weapons,  Nooo!,  international affairs,  security,  terrorism,  war on terror,  wars,  nuclear,  friends,  murder,  explosions,  Osama bin Laden,  Afghanistan War,  90s,  costumes

DiGiorno packages wyngz, and Wal-Mart helps Michelle Obama in her socialist scheme to end childhood obesity. (04:12)

Tags:  Thought for Food,  food,  weight/obesity,  government,  safety,  Michelle Obama,  Wal-Mart,  Nooo!,  shopping,  kids,  health,  exercise,  tube socks,  guns,  photos

Stephen can't be gay when he does masculine things like drink Bud Light Lime -- the manliest fruit-flavored lager on the market. (03:39)

Tags:  gay/homosexual,  TV,  CBS,  Killer,  interns,  Nooo!,  Ted Haggard,  Larry Craig,  Bud Light Lime,  alcohol,  photos

Happy Meals now come with Zoloft, and Stephen Colbert is definitely not a 40-year-old virgin. (01:26)

Tags:  Steve Carell,  fast food,  drugs,  mental health,  kids,  lookin' good,  dreams,  Nooo!,  parenting,  appearances

After spending yesterday couch-bound in the fetal position, Stephen caught up on the news he usually misses. (01:59)

Tags:  health,  soap operas,  Nooo!,  crying,  TV

Henry Louis Gates Jr. commits the perfect crime, Bill Gates tries to control the weather, and Wilford Brimley has too much free time. (05:59)

Tags:  Henry Louis Gates Jr.,  ThreatDown,  Senate,  security,  weapons,  flying,  crime,  profiling,  Barack Obama,  Bill Gates,  weather,  hurricanes,  Wilford Brimley,  advertising,  unemployment,  iPhone,  phone calls,  Jimmy,  military,  history,  collectibles,  slogans,  gay/homosexual,  facial hair,  Nooo!

Stephen used the time on his long flight back from Iraq to regrow his hair, and now it's as lustrous and thick as ever. (03:15)

Tags:  Iraq,  wars,  Iraq War,  lookin' good,  weather,  military,  flashbacks,  troops,  costumes,  Where and When Is Stephen Going to the Persian Gulf?,  Nooo!

Idealist Stephen and the pragmatist Stephen attempt a compromise on how best to deal with cats and dogs. (04:58)

Tags:  Formidable Opponent,  college,  education,  animals,  homeless,  Barney Frank,  speeches,  history,  ACLU,  discrimination,  Nooo!,  dogs,  cats & cats,  Notre Dame

Stephen calms everyone down with his advice on swine flu. (04:51)

Tags:  epidemics,  health,  mongering,  Jimmy,  Internet,  bacon,  Nooo!,  apocalypse,  Susan Boyle

A teenage Tek Jansen grows up fast after joining Alpha Squad. (5:12)

Tags:  Tek Jansen,  books,  future,  technology,  sex,  animation,  Nooo!,  theme songs